Where does confidence come from? Or how do you get it back? See lately I feel as if I’m losing confidence, but then I wonder if I ever even had it in the first place.
I’ve been open in previous posts about my struggle with this whole blogging thing, and unfortunately it is still nagging me. Yet, now I have come to a crossroads because I must decide whether to continue with this endeavor as I face starting school again and a much busier schedule.
Since I’ve been home from my trip to Alaska, which is a magnificent place by the way, I have felt myself slowly melting in body and spirit. That could simply be the Southern California heat, but I recognize that my purpose and goals for the next few months are incredibly unclear. In fact, my goals for everything ahead are unclear; I like to think that saying I simply want to follow and serve Jesus will be enough to get me somewhere, but it is hard waiting to find where that is.
In my attempt to find clarity I have pondered my conundrum of confidence and even my motives in why I am writing at all. At my brother’s wedding a week and a half ago, which was also incredible, my Uncle confronted me about this blog and some of his thoughts on my writing. He said a great many things, more than I could completely retain, but there was one point that stood out among the rest.
He said to me “You are at an age where you are finding the power of saying no.” As he spoke the childlike spirit I remembered in him stood in contrast to this older wiser man. It might be that as I become older my relatives are able to have more serious conversations with me, but somehow I still didn’t expect it.
He continued, “So you say no to sex before marriage, and say no to Hollywood movie hits, or say no to all these things you find to be wrong; but I want you to acknowledge the fact that you also have a greater power – the power to say yes.”
At first I felt the attack to be centered on my writing, thinking he was calling me some sort of negative nancy, but again I realized it was the child in me still wrestling with embracing adult conversations such as this. I knew my own insecurities were also clouding my ability to listen well for the wisdom he was trying to share with me. Unfortunately at that moment we were called to be seated for dinner and we never got to resume the discussion. His words have stuck with me over the last week and a half though.
My Uncle’s statement rippled me because although I am outwardly saying no to many things, inside it is more realistic to say that I am constantly caught in a tide of indecision. So although I have written strong posts filled with no’s, and also some yes’s, what this blog hasn’t shown is the ebb and flow of my wavering dreams and fears. I also can’t help feeling like when you say no to something, you must be saying yes to something else. Though I think the problem is, I’m not quite sure what it is.
As I am now half way through my college years, I have been feeling a lot of pressure to get my life together, or figure out at least where I am headed. In a way, I think that is what my Uncle was suggesting; it is necessary to say no to many things so you can find the power to say yes to the things that matter, and I should start figuring out what those things are.
Again though, I am lost in the waves, not knowing where my direction lies, and feeling bashed by the current throwing me into rocks of self-doubt. With each crashing thunder my confidence slips away beneath the surface, and I feel like I am drowning in decisions to make. Do I continue with this blog? Why I am even writing to begin with? I want to have something meaningful to share, but would that be better done somewhere else? Where else could I serve people, or how can I even serve people? I want to say yes to something, anything, but for now I feel lost as to what that is.
At this point I don’t have any answers. If you have some please feel free to share. Meanwhile my only hope keeping me floating above water is the life ring of trusting in God. I know that He wouldn’t let me waste my time, and I am trying to trust that He will take me where I need to go. It would be nice for the water to clear, be still, and leave me to watch for possible ripples, someplace to start. However I know that’s not always how God works, and either way I have to wait on His time, not mine.